Surviving the boomerang kid - One Woman's View on living with your adult child AGAIN

"However painful the process of leaving home, for parents and for children, the really frightening thing for both would be the prospect of the child never leaving home". ~ Robert Neelly Bellah

I am feeling strangely off-centre.

The feeling has been bubbling away since my eldest and his partner exchanged and completed on their new home some four weeks ago.

He went off to University in 2017.

It was the typical empty nest syndrome, a mixture of immense sadness and grief rolled into one.

The house was quieter, the fridge stayed full for longer than 24 hours, and I wrestled for the first couple of months with the need to wander into his bedroom and smell his bed linen; his clothes all were poignant reminders of him.

Of course, I knew he would be back home for the odd weekend and the holidays, but each time I drove him back to the University or dropped him off at the train station, I could never reconcile that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.

After a few days, I breathed a sigh of relief: less laundry, less cleaning up, less everything.

This is how it went for four years until he graduated, and then guess what?

He came back.

Back came my University memories and I was reminded of what we did when we went to University.

In fact, statistically, less than 10 per cent of my generation went to University, preferring to learn a trade, profession or apprenticeship.

I left home at 21 and rented a shared flat in Watford, not too far from London, where I started my first job, a far cry from how it is now.

I never went back home to live; my dad said that's it, young lady, we've done our job. Time to move on out, so I shipped out.

Of course, I was always welcome to visit and stay over on bank holidays, but that is precisely how it was back in the 80s.

My eldest graduated and came back home to live for the foreseeable future with no job as he graduated with a law degree smack at the end of COVID with no one employing graduates, let alone offering training contracts.

It took three months to get a job in law, and then he landed his first job as a paralegal, waiting almost seven months to win a training contract.

I presumed he would leave, find a job, rent somewhere, and move on with his life, but I was wrong.

With soaring rent prices, a mortgage out of reach given the pitiful salary he was paid then, and job offers looking suspiciously like unpaid work experience, our adult child returned to the nest.

He arrived with his laundry, late-night gaming habits, and the belief that he was entitled to live with his parents.

Initially, it was great to have him home full-time, if not slightly disconcerting.

In the aftermath of COVID-19, it felt right that we were a family again.

The problem is transitioning and getting used to the idea of family being minus one, not plus one, again.

And we didn't set any ground rules at the time, which made for, at times, less-than-ideal living conditions.

Here's what I learned

Set some ground rules.

Just because they are now adults do not mean they can live in your house free of charge. Lay down expectations of what is to be done regarding chores, making their bed and laundry not to be left strewn on their bedroom floor.

You are not running a free everything-you-can-eat buffet; if they want to invite girlfriends or friends, they need to ask first and not expect you to open the kitchen at 9:30 to feed them.

Ensure they make a financial contribution.

Financial contributions are a must, and it was almost four months before we broached the thorny subject of paying rent, which was met with hostility and downright condemnation; the nerve that we parents should extract money for keeping them fed and watered while living under our roof was unspeakable.

My goal as a parent and mother was to teach him that nothing comes for free, to lower his expectations, and not to assume we are merely the bank of mum and dad.

Most importantly, to prevent him from regressing into teenage habits and assume that his parents will do everything for him.

Give them half a yard, and they will take a mile.

Strange sleeping habits

Soon after my eldest took up this first role, he commenced the second part of his degree required to become a lawyer.

This entailed working until 1 am while holding down a full-time job, not for the faint of heart, so it was customary for the husband to wander to the toilet to see the light in his bedroom.

And to give him credit, he was always perky in the morning with a smile and a good morning.

It was difficult at the time because we were genuinely concerned about his long-term nocturnal habits and that he would be groggy, and in turn, this would affect his work performance.

Still, we embraced it and let him get on with it, but he was expected to get himself up in the morning and behave like a responsible adult.

Home comforts

When our child was away, the grocery budget was halved.

Back at home, just because he was contributing did not mean that what he was paying anywhere near the cost of the food consumed.

He has a university-student metabolism with a low wage budget, so pointing out that if he wanted something other than what was in our fridge freezer, he should buy it tended to be met with, I am paying rent, you know!

My ice cream would regularly disappear, and the extra meals I would freeze ended up as his lunchtime meal the next day.

All this while trying to balance the art of being a supportive parent and teaching them real life.

Help, but don't enable.

While the eldest was job hunting, there was the inevitable frustration during the application/CV process of not hearing or being rejected or sitting and waiting and as a parent, I found it difficult not to be a career coach and counsellor while not lecturing but guiding trying to offer the best advice one can give as a parent, often met with but it was different in your day, Mum.

True, but we do have experience.

At the time, I remember encouraging a structured daily routine and not lying in bed until 10 am but being up and ready to hit the application process.

There's a fine line between supporting and being over-mollycoddling.

I wanted him to land a job and not take up permanent residency in his bedroom.

It was stressful for him and us, and at times, I could see his shoulders dropping as he became more disconsolate, always trying to find words to encourage him to keep going and telling him that something would come up for sure.

Unsolicited advice and opinions from them about our way of living

Not only have they moved back home, but somewhere between leaving for University and returning home, they've developed their own opinions, ideas and thoughts on the world and how you should live.

When you say you need to go to bed before midnight, it is met with, As long as I get 8 hours of sleep, I'll be ok; Or Why are you using that cleaning spray? It's not good for the environment, and the constant I'm right, you are wrong, becomes tiring and frustrating.

They adopt this belligerent standoff, testing your convictions and ideals.

If they've been away for three or four years, it's understandable that they developed and expanded their minds and believe they know everything, but it isn’t their job to tell you how to live your life, even if they think they are doing you a huge service by doing so.

The, when are you moving out chat.

It was complicated as COVID-19 came along, shook the world into a state of shutdown, and closed every door. Young graduates didn't have a chance of securing a good position, let alone finding a job.

I remember thinking then, would this be the future for our adult children? Relying on their parents for support?

It is a bittersweet pill.

You want your adult child to stay, but you know they must leave. It is how the world turns; you need them to leave for your sanity and theirs.

He has a long-term girlfriend, and they have finally bought a house together.

We are excited for them both, but there's a lingering feeling of angst akin to grief in my stomach as we all work on renovating their new house while he continues to live at home.

He will leave as soon as the house is finished and ready to move in; this time, it will be for good.

Leaving an enormous vacuum, his room a mausoleum to all the memories we have shared as a family, and I know I will be unable to make any changes to it until I can finally let go.

I dread that moment like a cold wind down a railway track.

So, my final thoughts are.

Enjoy the time together.

As much as I have joked about the chaos, disorder, and ups and downs of having him home, take advantage of all your time together.

For our family, it is the Sunday lunch and the afternoon film, having dinner together most nights except when they are in the gym or out with their partners, reminiscing about childhood memories, and the general banter.

Because soon enough, they'll find a job and move out, and you'll miss them like a hole in your heart, leaving you sad and empty.

Having your adult child move back home is a unique challenge for which I was unprepared.

It requires patience, humour and many deep breaths.

They eat all your food, treat you like a bank, stay up too late, and complain about capitalism, socialism and everything else in between.

Still, they are navigating a challenging economic climate and job market while working out their future and hopefully appreciating everything you do for them.

One day, they might even say, 'Thanks, Mum and Dad, for everything," but don't hold your breath.