The joys of being married

"A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they get the better deal" ~ Unknown

It's the eve of our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, and I am in a quiet state of flux.

Do we need to buy something silver to celebrate our love, or is buying an object made of silver merely a token, the recognition of attaining a twenty-five-year mark of marriage?

We share thirty years of togetherness, and we've certainly had our ups and downs along the way, equivalent to some of my mountain climbs, but we support each other through thick and thin, sick and sin.

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience” ~ Oscar Wilde

Love is an enduring countenance - he loves me, and I worship the quicksand he walks on.

There are days when I roll my eyes, wondering how I ended up with this man. And then there are days when my heart floweth over with love for him.

But it is a tough gig.

You're in it for the long term, and it is a lifelong commitment, both financially and romantically. There are no easy fixes, and when the going gets tough, love and humility get you through.

Space and understanding are essential for the relationship to grow.

Like a tree, the roots and trunk represent the bond that entwines each other; the branches represent the individuality and space each person needs to develop in the relationship.

After twenty-five years of marriage and one divorce, I can rightly claim I know a good marriage when I see one.

Marriage fundamentally joins two hearts, a union forged upon love and similar values.

Despite escalating divorce rates and broken relationships between celebrities and stars, one might think it's old-fashioned.

Chatting with the young women in my family, I sense their desire to have and to hold is stronger than ever.

The ideal big wedding day involves the perfect dress, flowers, cake, and a spotlight on the bride.

Eternal marriage bliss is still possible for the younger generation despite my remonstrations suggesting living together is more accessible and cheaper in the long term.

What about love?

The foundation of a long-lasting marriage is love.

Without it, no marriage can survive, and we shouldn't be blinded by the idea that 'we have the same interests and we share the same ideals'.

My first husband loved sports as much as I did, and we had a similar outlook on life.

Cut from similar cloth - same schooling, middle-class upbringing, values, another tick in the invisible box.

But when it came to ambition and career, oh dear!

I was the career, money-orientated individual who wished for a big house, car, and children, and he was very much what's wrong with our two up, two down?

I was very wary of marriage the second time around. Is it really necessary to put a ring on it?

An error in judgment based on box-ticking and peer pressure did not constitute a good start to married life and was not a mistake I wanted to repeat.

Separation and divorce, as hard as they were, were the right thing to do because we respected each other and knew we had made a mistake: infatuation rather than love, fun rather than earnestness.

The foundations of our marriage

After thirty years of togetherness, we have a healthy respect and understanding for each other's needs.

I need space to create, think, write, and sketch, and he needs to go to the pub on the weekends.

Committing unequivocally to the marriage has forged an understanding based on deep love and contentment, a feeling of profound connection, care, compassion, and kindness.

Our relationship dips up and down like a see-saw. When my husband has a big work project, I pick up the slack by doing more domestic chores.

Conversely, if I'm tired due to menopause or work commitments, he picks up the slack. It works well for us because we have both invested in the relationship.

He doesn't see a wife and husband divide separating chores according to gender. He mucks in and does what needs to be done, quietly understanding the needs of the other.

We also have moments of complete disconnect: men are from Mars, women are from Venus moments (John Gray) when I could bang my head against the wall in exasperation, and I am sure it's the same for him.

As Richard Gere in Runaway Bride says so succinctly: "I guarantee at some point one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing."

Marriage is not plain sailing into the sunset. It takes work, commitment and courage. It is a marathon. You're in it for the long term, and there has to be a commitment on both sides and a desire for the marriage to work; otherwise, what's the point?

A shared history of experiences has created the essence of the relationship, making it intrinsically personal for the two people involved.

It is the comfort of knowing each other so well that he understands my funny quirks, and I understand his hopes and fears.

Trust and security do not come from knowing someone for five minutes but rather from a lifetime of discovery and quiet contentment, comfortable in the knowledge that your partner understands and accepts you warts n'all.

The most essential foundation of any marriage is friendship. I have that with my husband. He is my partner, best friend, and rock - the usual cliches, but they are accurate.

He is the first person I turn to for guidance; although his advice can be unflinchingly honest sometimes, it comes from a place of love and devotion.

Our legacy is watching our children grow up to be responsible human beings, instilling the virtues we value and hoping they, too, will pass them on to their offspring.

I am excited about the future with my hubby and the prospect of retiring and waking up with him every morning, doing things together, and watching our children grow and establish their careers and relationships.

But mostly, I am grateful to have shared this journey with a wonderful man I call my husband, the kind and generous human being he is.