The ties that bind us
"The foundation of family - that's where it all begins for me." ~ Faith Hill
To my subscribers, thank you so much for being here and reading my weekly newsletters. I am genuinely grateful.
To new subscribers, welcome to this little part of the internet that I like to call my own.
So, what is it about families?
My husband and I drove up to see my parents last Thursday.
The weather was warm and sunny, so I couldn't help but be in a good mood.
And I need to feel positive and happy, as my parents aren't the easiest people to get on with.
My father is sometimes very self-centred and opinionated, and my mother is strong but fragile.
On the journey, I got to think about family, the influence of parents and how they raise children, and why it has such a lasting effect on our lives.
Family connections are integral to our well-being, but why do we need a family to feel like we belong?
From my experience growing up in a nuclear family, I know that family is the foundation that human life relies on and depends on, despite its foibles and complexities.
If family connections don't work, there's a fair chance nothing else in life will feel real.
Being raised by a family, whatever that looks like in this modern age of transition and fluidity, is crucial for our well-being and humanness.
Through family, we learn love, kindness, morality, character, integrity, and, one hopes, steadfastness and resilience.
We are the byproducts of the parents who raise us, and it is the family that helps shape us as individuals.
What makes a family work well together and others not so?
Why do some families have strong, inextricable emotional connections, and others are loosely bound and emotionless, very much like my own?
Families in the 21st century face many challenges, including socioeconomic, geographical, digital, and technological advancements, mobility, and education.
Family is more important than ever, yet it appears more fragile.
From my own experiences, I have found my family complex and emotionally draining.
Love tended to be conditional: If I did well, then I would be praised, but more often than not, criticised for not doing so well or could have done better, and that was a characteristic my father inherited from his parents' constant criticism.
But I remember thinking all I wanted was support and validation, not criticism.
It was a different time growing up in the late '60s and '70s.
Families were more connected and engaged, and there was less interference from the outside world, no social media; the men often went to work while the women stayed home.
I have a predilection for overthinking the meaning of family and what it stands for.
That's because I have wistfully watched other families and envied their closeness, seemingly getting on with each other and thinking, why don't I have that?
My parents are archetypes of the 'silent generation' characterised by and described as tending to conform and be restrained in their outlook.
They were war children, and my parents shared a combination of fun and terrible memories living during the Second World War.
So I can, in some way, understand their reserved parenting.
Still, it made for a disciplined upbringing, which, given today's poor standards of parenting and morality, I am indeed grateful for, but it did mean that childhood was sometimes stifled, where love didn’t feel free flowing.
Family is the first structure a child is exposed to before school, friends and the outside world. It defines our identity and establishes our emotional core and moral and psychological development.
We learn how to play and to stand up for ourselves to be resilient, and from our familial ties, we are taught the importance of having values, good manners and how to relate to others.
It is a big responsibility of parents to ensure that they raise well-balanced children who can eventually contribute to the world they live in.
Raising children with unconditional love at least helps the child to be emotionally secure and anchored.
No matter how much we might fight against belonging or wanting to be part of a family, most humans feel the need to be associated with a part of something, whether it's family or a community.
It is the emotional tie that unites us and should make us feel valued and respected, providing children with boundaries and discipline as they grow.
I had a fairly strict upbringing. I knew the boundaries and would often push them, especially in my teens, but I always knew where the line was drawn.
Over time, I understood the importance of what these boundaries were for and the importance of discipline.
I understand the importance of respect and values and was taught right from wrong, the moral fabric by which I live to this day.
I remember wanting to be listened to, heard, and treated with respect as a teen.
I suspect parents and educators still don't listen, nor do they treat kids at the appropriate age as adults, something I see all too often.
You can't tell a kid to act his age if the educator is not following the same rule.
When I became a mother, I raised my children similarly, without the conditions imposed on me by my parents, determined to break the characteristics that had thwarted my childhood.
We blame our parents for the way we are or the way we behave, that's what the next generation does after all; the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Being a mother was and continues to be the best, and I want my children to know they are loved for who they are and not for what they achieve in life.
In an online world that craves immediate attention and values instant results, family should be there to provide the foundations that prepare children for what they will face in the real world.
Sadly, so many kids are lost, without any sense of self-worth or self-respect and who have had no boundaries imposed upon them.
They seem unable to think beyond themselves, care for others, and handle life's chaos.
I write this from seeing it with my own eyes.
When they leave university, they are entirely unprepared for the working world and how to handle life's challenges, unable to transition from academia to a career.
Schools and Universities sell a vision that a degree will automatically guarantee them a first-class job. It doesn't.
They might leave smarter, but they are unready for this world, which, I believe, comes down to family and education, and this needs to change.
